Sometimes you wonder...

This is my dad.  This is how far he walked into the laundry room before stopping and yelling, 

"Why is the floor all wet?" 

     It's in the genes.

Sudden Outburst of Awkward Non-Profanity

I always keep my car really clean.  Why my car and not my bedroom, I have no idea.  But it is important to me to have a clean car, so when other people borrow it and leave trash in it it drives me crazy.

I walked out to my car the other day after a certain family member borrowed it a couple times, and I noticed there were books and things on the front seat.  That's not a big deal, though, because actual stuff that said borrower leaves will be cleaned out by necessity sooner or later, and at least it's not trash.  But then I noticed the cup holders had both become home to half empty drink containers.

A surge of annoyance resulted in my yelling: "Holy mother!"  It was louder than I expected it to be, and I realized there were people standing in their open garage across the street.  Yep, I just yelled "holy mother" to myself, by myself, for no apparent reason in the presence of strangers.

And even though the books were cleaned out, and I asked the borrower to also remove the drinks along with them and got a reply in the affirmative... borrower didn't.  And I had to throw them away.

HOLY MOTHER!

Funny Internet Things

If you'd only keep an eye out, you would realize that there are so many little things to laugh at on the internet.  Let me share with you some amusing things I have seen this week.

Well, no shit!  Are you making fun of me, random word generator?

Well then I don't want to be here anyway!

I think the people at Spin Magazine need to learn the difference between "giving someone a compliment" and "saying nothing at all."

Actually, death-trap shoes like this can torture feet.

Making lists like this is a QUALITY way to spend one's time.

Does this cute little bear charm look funny to anyone else?

This is just weird.  You LOVE Hamblor, the GOD of HAMBURGERS!  Come be his internet slave!  ROAR!!!

Don't pay them!  Try us FOR FREE!!!  (and then start paying us)

"Calling all prostitutes!" -Craigslist

False.  I can think of at least seven faster bubble games off the top of my head.

Wait, what?

Brad Pitt is underrated, really?  Not according to my list of famous poopers!

(See my post "Ruminations" if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Just keep your eyes peeled and you'll see it too!

This One Time On An Airplane

First of all, a note about my last post – I didn't even realize that last thought was funny on more than one level (the literal one) (eew) until my mother pointed it out to me. Does this seem a little backward to anyone else?

. . . 

ANYWAY.  This one time over Spring Break, my friend Lauren and I flew to Massachusetts to visit our friend Ashley who went to school there. On the plane ride over, we sat next to a middle-aged lady – she at the window, Lauren in the middle, and me on the aisle.

  

At some point during the flight this woman tells us she had to go to the bathroom. So, we start adjusting to take off our seat belts when all of a sudden she straight up PASSES OUT on Lauren. Like her head is down and leaning against Lauren's shoulder. We both freeze for a second and just stare at her with wide eyes.

Then all of a sudden she just sits up and stares right back at us, with a look that says “Why aren't you idiots moving? I have to pee.”

This was honestly the look on her face, like she was wondering what was wrong with us. So we confusedly fumbled with our seat belts and let her out.

I don't remember what Lauren's and my conversation looked like after she got up, but it probably went something like this:

ME: “What just happened?” (nervous giggle)

LAUREN: “I don't know!” (nervous giggle)

ME: “Did she just pass out on you?” (nervous giggle)

LAUREN: “I think so!” (nervous giggle)

At this point it was mostly nervous laughter, and it was more creepy than funny because we were so confused. And then there was commotion in the back of the plane, because she passed out again by the bathroom. The airplane people helped her out and she got some water or something, and when she came back we asked what the hell was wrong with her. Just kidding, we asked if she was okay. And we offered her our crackers, which she gratefully accepted, if I remember correctly with a remark about how she wasn't a good flier. 

If only she knew!  

...Or did she?

Ruminations

- Shampoo is a funny word. This poo is a sham!

- Don't ignore your laptop when it tells you its battery is running low, because it's not lying. If you don't immediately plug it in you will forget. And it will somehow still surprise you a few minutes later when it dies in the middle of whatever you're doing which isn't that important but now that you were so rudely interrupted IT WAS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT AND NOW I'M PISSED.

 

- Sometimes adjectives are tricksy and not only do they describe other words, they also describe themselves. They're like Mega-Adjectives. For example: whimsical. It's such a whimsical word! And my other favorite: sinister. Creepy, right?

- Do you ever picture famous people pooping? You should try it some time... it will cheer you up on a bad day. Start with Brad Pitt. (It's funny because he's attractive).

- Let's all start calling guy movies “dick flicks.”   

What if...?

One day last week it rained like crazy. It started out sprinkling, but most of the day it was raining really hard.  Meaning, there were lots of drops falling hard and fast.

So, the harder it is raining, the more drops there are. But what if instead of being based on the number of drops falling, the intensity of rain was measured by the size of the drops themselves? 

 

POURING RAIN!!!

Imagine if it really was like this... Not that many drops, but they're HUGE, and you would have to either get some kind of magic umbrella, OR you'd have to run around dodging the huge bucket-fulls of water and probably wear some rain boots that go all the way up your thighs.  

So many possibilities!  Let's run through the park and back and see who gets the least wet. Ready? Go!