Eyes Are A Precious Gift

Okay so I am paranoid about several stupid things... probably because I have seen way too many episodes of CSI. And CSI: New York. But not CSI: Miami, because that show is stupid.

Today I am going to tell you about one of these “paranoias.” Actually, I can't figure out if it's a paranoia or a phobia, so we'll just stick with paranoia for now.

Paranoia #1: Going blind (note: I accidentally just typed going bling, which would be a way more hilarious paranoia to have). I have this fear of something happening to my eyes.

Reason #1: The coroner on this episode of CSI:NY one time put on his little magnetic glasses and leaned over a dead body to check out a bullet lodged in its something-or-other, and it turns out this was an EXPLODING BULLET and it EXPLODED IN HIS FACE. Blood and body juice and bullet fragments everywhere! CSI-lab-worker-lady-#1 said that had he not been wearing those glasses, he would have been blinded! Vague worry for the safety of my eyes successfully instilled.

Reason #2: I heard this story once that probably isn't true and I don't even remember where I heard it but those are the kinds of stories that stick with you and make you paranoid. There was this guy that got into a crazy car accident and he said that if he wasn't wearing his glasses all the pieces of broken glass from his shattered windshield would have blinded him. Holy crap! Getting in a car accident is a real life situation that could actually happen to me. Fear actualized.

Had these fictional men not been wearing their protective eye-gear they would have GONE BLIND! You know what that means? ETERNAL DARKNESS. I am rational enough to not live in fear of coming into contact with a dead body riddled with exploding bullets, even though anything is possible and oh crap now I'm actually a little worried about that too. But car accidents are real-life things! And I have never been in one before, so according to the law of averages which isn't actually a real thing but still is scary anyway, it will probably be a bad one (that's right, I learned something in AP Statistics!). So, this leads me to the ingenious preventative measures I have taken to protect my eyes from freak blinding car accidents.

Solution #1: Sunglasses! I now have sunglasses that I keep in my car and wear while driving during the day even when it's not that bright outside and I feel like a douche bag for wearing sunglasses when the amount of brightness from the sun does not warrant their use. I got my first pair of sunglasses only last year, because for some reason I have always felt stupid wearing them, and still only do when absolutely necessary. I had to get them because one day I was standing outside and my eyes up and decided it was just too damn bright. They started to water like mad and WOULD NOT STAY OPEN. Oh, don't mind me, I'm not crying over here, I just have completely lost all control over my eyes. Apparently they decided they had had enough of this shit, so now I have sunglasses. I wear them while driving, both to protect my eyes from the sun, and also from my windshield that is ready to explode into tiny eye-blinding pieces whenever the aforementioned horrible car accident happens.

Problem #1: Sunglasses and nighttime do not get along. I can wear them when the sun is out and happy and doing its thing, and I can even get away with wearing them when the sun is just starting to go down, but when the sun actually is gone, it is too dark for sunglasses. On the plus side, I don't feel like a douche bag for wearing them in the dark because people probably can't see me, but on the minus side, I also can't see them, and those are not safe driving conditions, according to my mom.

Solution #2: hipster glasses! They're like sunglasses, only they have clear lenses and don't actually do anything for your eyes. Unless maybe they have UV protection, but really no one wears them for that reason. So this is the part where I was going to make fun of hipsters, but instead I will admit that I wish I were cool enough to be one of them and then move on.

Problem #2: Douchebaggery. This is the problem with wearing my huge wayfarer-like $2 white-rimmed clear lensed-glasses, in addition to the fact that they are white and I have no idea why I chose that color because it looks especially stupid. I feel like a total douche bag wearing them. (Note: I am probably over-using the term “douche bag,” but sometimes it is the perfect word and the only one that truly fits the situation). Anyone who sees me wearing those while driving a car alone at night would probably judge me, because they don't understand my paranoia. I'm doing it for my eyes, and you should too! DON'T YOU KNOW YOU COULD GET INTO A FREAK ACCIDENT AND GO BLIND?!? Also, if someone is in the car with me I don't wear them because of how idiotic I look wearing them. Instead, I drive along pretending like I'm cool and just like everyone else who doesn't wear hipster glasses while driving at night, when actually I am in total and absolute fear for the safety of my eyes.  

I know it is irrational, like all paranoias, and people tell me if you get in a car accident your first instinct will probably be to shut your eyes so they'll probably be fine. But if I ever DO get in a car accident and am not wearing my hipster safety glasses and something happens to my precious eyes, I will be SO PISSED at myself that the ONE TIME I didn't wear them is the ONE TIME I needed to.